"I Got This!" -Kat

Beautiful, beautiful ladies!

I don't know about you, but I don't have much confidence in my physical abilities. I have always been the clumsy, trip over my big toe, cry about the splinter in my pinky kind of person. I'm not sure when that started exactly because I've always been pretty independent. There was this one time in elementary school my brother, sister and I were playing with the neighborhood kids and my little sister decided she didn't want the training wheels on her bike anymore. All of us kids decided to work together to get the wheels off and I distinctly told the boy from across the street that "Even though I'm a girl I am capable of taking these wheels off." And boy, I have never seen him as shocked as when I said that to him, haha!

See, I'm not exactly timid. I know I can do things. But when it comes to sports (even pick-up games), physical activities or possibly life-threatening situations, my instinct is to say, "Absolutely not! I can't handle that. It's impossible." Spending time outdoors is my love. There is literally nothing in this world (aside from the time I spend with God) that calms me more than a quiet, still moment beneath the trees. I don't even usually care if the grass is wet- if I'm outside that's where I'm sitting. But ask me to go on a hike. I dare ya. My immediate thought: "That sounds so amazing! But I don't think I can do it. I'm really out of shape, my body's not used to that. I'm gonna be embarrassed if we go for that hike." And what I tell you is, "Wow, that sounds awesome! But maybe another time would be better."

So, imagine my surprise a few months ago when I wound up on the rock-climbing wall. Yeah. "What happened!?" My social club went on a retreat a little while ago and we went to a rock-climbing fitness center. I swore up-and-down that I wasn't really interested in rock-climbing. Truth-be-told, I sort of wanted to try it! But I knew I wasn't going to be able to do it. It wasn't that I was scared, I just didn't believe in my ability to climb the wall. ("My arms are too weak for that. I weigh too much, I'm not going to be able to lift myself." Yada yada.) 

Long story short, I found myself on that wall. I had the harness on, I was buckled in, and my friends were sending me all sorts of good vibes. This was what they told us when they gave us the harnesses: "It's not that hard, just follow the rocks with the colored sticker. When you get to the top you can just jump. These chords will hold you. You're not going to fall." And I really did trust them. I trusted that the rocks weren't out to get me, I trusted that the chord wouldn't drop me.

I got to work. Left hand goes on this rock, right hand on the next. Left foot-right foot... I felt sort of like a four-legged spider climbing up a wall. There was a system and I sort of had it! I knew the goal and I could see, pretty clearly, how to get there. So the whole way up, I was solid. I felt great! In the zone-nothing was going to stop me! Until I got about half-way up. I was pretty much right in the middle of the wall when it hit me. "I don't know which rock to grab next..." That's all it took and then panic-mode ensued. I started doubting myself again. At that point I knew I had to let go of the wall. This is the part where you trust the chord and just jump. But I was frozen. I couldn't do it! I knew it wouldn't drop me, logically speaking I really wasn't afraid. But if you'd asked the muscles in my body, they'd have told you they were preparing to hold on for days. For them, death was certainly waiting for me if I let go of that wall. It was so bad I couldn't jump right away. I tried to climb back down first! (Hint: You can't do that...) When I climbed down as far as I could, then I jumped. And guess what: surprise, surprise! I didn't die!!

My physical body and my mental body were in two completely different places as I climbed that wall. My mental body was so chill: it was just like, "Yeah, man! Look at us go! We're so on it! Woo hoo!!" But physically, my body was like, "Hold up. I don't know what that silly brain of yours says but we don't like this idea. Since we don't like it, we are voting on a veto and we've decided not to participate. Good luck!!"  I truly believe this is how our trust in God works.

Spiritually, a lot of us are really ready! We are ready to trust Him, ready for Him to throw us out into the water, ready to be upheld by His hand. And physically, when we can see our path we are on fire! No distractions. We see God's plan and we go for it full-force! But when we reach the part where the road winds and we can't see what the next step is (or even better, we see the next step but don't believe we can reach it) we panic and we give up. Our spirits say, "I am a servant to the God almighty. All things are possible through Him- He is the maker of the universe and nothing could ever stop Him!!" But physically we say,"Actually, on second thought, this isn't possible at all. There's no way I can pull this off. That's great God can do all that stuff but I'm just gonna sit here and let Him do something if He wants to. He doesn't really need me. He's not actually going to use me, anyways. That's Old Testament-y stuff."

I'm about 98% certain I'm not qualified to be telling you ladies this right now. My trust in God's ability to guide my life has never, ever been as low as it is right this moment. As I'm sitting here typing this, I'm struggling more than ever with this. God has asked me to stop. Stop planning, stop working, stop doing, and just start being where He wants me to be. He is making me wait. Making me stop running, and start breathing. He doesn't want me working all day long to the point I can't even stop to take inventory. I love being that busy. I love being silent, but ask me to be still and I'm going to complain about it. And He has asked me to be still.

The truth is, I am far less ready to trust Him than I think I am. Most of the time, I will tell anybody who asks, "Trust God! He can and will make every situation into the best. There is nothing God can do better than turn a bad situation into a good one." But now that He's asked me to trust Him in the stillness I'm freaking out. I don't know how to listen to Him, all I know is I'm not happy with where He has put me. I'm a spiritual being, ready to take the world on as God pushes me forward, stuck in a physical world, not able to see what's going to happen in the future or what my "best choice of action" is. I have the uncanny ability to see all the possibilities and see the good and bad in whatever I choose-- but you ask me to choose and I freeze up because "I don't know which one is better."

How do we stop letting the physical world crush our spirits? I could post countless scriptures telling us to trust Him. Here are just a few:

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." (Trust God even when you don't understand?)

Galatians 3:6, 9 "..just as Abraham 'believed God, and it was counted to him as righteousness'..So then, those who are of faith are blessed along with Abraham, the man of faith." (Who could ask to be more blessed than Abraham??)

Romans 8:28 "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." (Even right now??)

The songs we (I) grew up singing:

"Be still and know that God is real. He leads me beside the quiet waters; I am still and I know God is real."

"Trust and obey, for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey."

"I stand to praise you, but I fall to my knees. My spirit is willing but my flesh is so weak. Light the fire in my soul; fan the flames, make me whole. Lord, You know where I am so light the fire in my heart again."

"When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll. Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say, it is well with my soul."

I know all of these verses, all of these songs and I can truly say I believe them. My spirit is so strong, so willing, but my flesh is so so so week. How do we go about making this more than just a spiritual strength?

I pray that you ladies might be praying with me over this. I wouldn't normally be here reaching out for prayers. But if there's one place I can seek them, why not from you? After all, we are each other's support systems, are we not?

As always, I am praying over your weeks, sisters. I pray you see the lights at the end of your tunnels, the reasons for celebrations, and the opportunities to change your neighbors' lives. I love each and every one of you as much as I did when we first started on this blogging journey together.

God bless,
Kat